Issue #58

Mothers, toot thy own horn!

When I was a mother of young children and living in a closely-knit community of many other mothers of young children, our neighborhood babysitting co-op hosted a night of women sharing tips with each other on raising kids, meal preparation, and cleaning the house. These days such tips would be called hacks and you’d find them on Instagram. (And also—these days husbands would be invited too.)

Anyway, as the evening went on, the tip-sharing began to feel competitive. This mother had a great routine for school lunch-making; that one for storing her children’s artwork; another for getting her kids to eat vegetables. It reached peak absurdity when one mother recommended everyone follow her trick for getting the baseboards dusted: she placed quarters here and there along the baseboards so that her young boys would be motivated to keep moving forward along the floor.

I’m not sure if mothers left that night feeling energized to try new ideas or demoralized that they didn’t clean their baseboards on the regular and that their children didn’t do enough household chores.

Looking back, I’d say we young mothers were competitive because we were a little insecure and very overwhelmed. That’s probably more true today, given how much parenting instruction and contradictory parenting instruction there is online. Fortunately we mellow as we age. Amongst the mothers of adult children I know, there’s sympathy and curiosity for each other, but no sense of I-did-it-better-than-you. Because at this point we’ve all had a heartbreak or two; moreover we understand the limits of our efforts in the face of biology and circumstance.

It’s because I don’t know any mother without regrets that I undertook a survey for this Mother’s Day edition of Restless Egg. I asked a group of seasoned mothers a question: What’s something you’ve done as a mother that you’re proud of? I stipulated that this thing didn’t have to be profound, that small successes were worth sharing too.

Not surprisingly, many of the mothers said the question was challenging. Much easier to come up with mistakes than triumphs. (Note to the adult children of these mothers: it’s not that we are disappointed in you; we are disappointed in ourselves, and quite rightly we don’t give ourselves sole credit for how wonderful we think you are.)

There’s a wide range of responses here, each one an insight into the wide range of children these mothers produced. I know almost all of these women personally, and I can attest to the fact that each answer is true to the person they are. The woman who loves cleanliness and order is proud of passing that on to her children; the one who loves adventure tried to instill that in her own brood. Thank goodness mothers are all different from each other! What a dull world if everyone were the same.

One final thought: it’s possible these reflections will inspire younger mothers to try something new, but that’s not why I collected them. I wanted older mothers give themselves a break; to consider the good they’ve done; to pat themselves on the back. If there’s any inspiration to be found here for younger mothers, it’s my hope they see the value in being fully themselves for their families. To share one’s authentic self with one’s children— with all the accompanying talents, shortcomings, interests., temperaments, dreams, and beliefs—is a great gift and lays out a path for children to be their true selves as well.

hello, young mothers, whoever you are . . . do it your own way

Joan D:

I tried to not encourage my childrens’ fears and used humor to diffuse them. For example, I drove them to Washington, DC from NY when they were about 11, 13, and 15. As we drove into the city, some teenagers started yelling at the car and threatening us, and my kids were freaked out. I just laughed and said, “Welcome to Washington, DC!” They had to laugh too. And when they thought they had a “life-threatening” disease, I tried to find the humor in the situation, not always to their satisfaction!

Lynn R:

I played music and sang with both my kids from infancy on. They both love and are terrific at music and math . . . which is somehow connected.

Anne B:

My husband and I made sure to show our daughters how to travel! Gave them passports and plane tickets. Exposed them to new lands, new people and places. Had them listening to other languages. Traveled out of the country as a family when they were young—school aged—and ALWAYS made them carry their own luggage and belongings. Today as grown women they know what to do. They are not afraid to go alone and adventure to places near and far.

Brigette M:

I’m proud of tapping into each child’s interest or quirky behavior. For example. . . oldest: trips to dollar store to pick out a new glass animal (she’s an animal lover); 2^nd kid: toys/lego sets related to space (he’s an astrophysicist); 3rd: let her act like at a kitty cat around the house (she loves her pet cats more than anything); and 4th: [endorsed him using] all his First Communion money to buy books at the school book fair (he worked in a library after college).

I know these are probably just luck, but I am proud anyway.

Pam C:

I made it a point to try and listen to their thoughts, feelings and needs as they grew up. They still share their days with me when they want and have time to. I treasure those moments.

Mary B:

One thing is buying books and reading to my kids every night especially Harry Potter.

To this day my son’s love of reading started with those books (and his having dyslexic—it was inspiring!) Thank you, J. K Rowling!

Carolyn F:

Something I’ve instilled for which I am proud is the value of family traditions. Whether that be the tradition of eating meals together, celebration traditions, vacation traditions. . . The traditions generated a rhythm to our family story. And you know me. . . I love anything with a good rhythm!

Mary Margaret H:

Oldest of six was 8-years old, dad out of town. He (six-year old J) came to the dinner table without a shirt. I told him to put a shirt on.

J: I’m a guy and don’t need to wear a shirt.

Me: Go put a shirt on.

J goes upstairs.

After waiting a few minutes I followed him to see if he put a shirt on.

Mom and J meet mid-way on steps. Shirtless J. Mom rips off her shirt wearing bra and says, “No one is wearing a shirt tonight.”

J. says nothing as he looks very uncomfortable at mom and he goes and puts shirt on.

Dinner is successful.

T was turning three and had to be potty trained to go to preschool. On his birthday he said, “I will wear big boy underwear when I turn four.”

I waited 2 weeks, and his five siblings and I walked into his bedroom with a lit candle on a cupcake singing happy birthday. He thought he was four.

He used the big boy potty that day and ever since!

Cindy G:

I gave them the encouragement to go out of state to college. Not being able to come home every weekend created great confidence and independence and taught them to value family time.

Michele D:

When I’m with my girls especially, say we haven’t sat down to lunch in a while, I ask them, “Is there anything you want to ask me?” “Anything you’re curious about?” My intention is to be honest with them about myself, the good and the imperfect.

Mary K. S:

One thing specific to my son was noticing in 5th grade that he wasn’t doing well in school and was not motivated and was bored—and then acting on transferring him to a school that lit his curiosity and love of learning.

For the girls—sticking to the decision to send them to single-sex high school even though they were unhappy with the decision. . . but letting them know if it didn’t work then they could transfer the following year. They didn’t want to transfer then.

I was always scared to make tough decisions, and these were for us.

Renee R:

I don’t have a “big” parenting milestone to brag about, but the fact that my adult children still voluntarily come over to spend time with us, is testament of all those years stressing the importance of family.

Barb C:

I would send “curated” care packages to my girls all through college and while living away from home. If they had a roommate, extra treats were included. The package almost always included double-stuffed Oreos and Sour Patch Kids and also socks, love notes, gift cards, old photos, all the fav snacks. [Barb’s daughter B elaborates on these creative packages] B: “They were special because they were usually a surprise. Like they didn’t just center around birthdays, it could’ve been any Tuesday and they would arrive!. . . I do remember you sending me two different pairs of undies once, and you wrapped the lacy ones with a note that said ‘for your good days’ and the others ‘for the not so good days’ which you also packed with a box of tampons lol.”

When the girls lived together and we started using FaceTime, they’d wait and open the package in front of us which made for great entertainment plus they’d guess which item belonged to which sister. I truly was as excited to pack and send the boxes as they were to receive them.

Anne O:

Taught kids to speak for themselves at a young age. Wanted them to have a voice at the table and to encourage confidence, independence and decision making. Proud that these skills have helped them with effective communications and self-advocacy. (Not wanting to have meek, indecisive children backfired on me sometimes!)

Amy F:

Here are a few “little” things I’m proud of—

We always had music playing—danced in the kitchen, danced together whenever, wherever . . . music and dancing is such a mutually shared joy. They are great dancers.

They both have quick wits and appreciate laughing. I was always doing bits/voices to make them laugh—I was not afraid to be goofy in public. We constantly quote funny lines from movies to each other. Again, I think laughing is pure, shared joy.

Lastly, and most importantly. . . They are deep thinkers and care deeply for their friends—great listeners and very loyal. They both are sensitive, empathetic souls.

Michelle V:

As the mother of three boys, I am most proud that I was able to show them the importance of family, especially their friendships as brothers. Watching them do things together and keeping in touch on the “brother’s text group” is the best.

On a different level, I am glad that I was able to teach them the joy of cooking by allowing them to make things in our kitchen at an early age. Today, I especially like when they ask for my recipes or share one of theirs. And I am proud to have taught them the basics like putting the toilet seat down, cleaning up their dishes, and doing their laundry. And of course, saying thank you.

Denise D:

Spent three weeks with every family after each baby came home. Got up in the middle of the night. Made dinner and did laundry. Everyone still talks about how great that was. Makes you, as a mother and grandmother, feel good. Plus I really bonded with all of my grandchildren.

Bridget V:

When our kids went off to college, I encouraged them to stay in touch with their grandparents and suggested calling in-between classes. I’d often hear from my parents when those calls happened. Years later, they still reach out to their [remaining] grandmother, usually on their way to or from work.

Lynne B:

The one thing that popped into my mind was when kids (four of them) were small, I took a job at Winchells Donuts in Kansas City to make extra money we needed on our tight budget. I got up at 3 a.m. to get there so I could be home by 8 to get them to school. I lasted a whole two-three weeks. But made huge impression on all the kids and they still reference it! I believe they thought it was so we could go on summer vacation. Also they were the happy recipients of all the donuts I messed up.

Maureen H:

When my third daughter C was in 5th grade she wanted to do something to find a cure for diabetes. [C’s three sisters have diabetes, she does not.] She signed up for a “Tour de Cure” bike ride. I showed her how to sign up, how to get sponsors to cover her fundraising requirement, helped her write emails and collect money and then she actually did the 35-mile ride in DC on the given day.

I think what I modeled and what C witnessed was (intense) volunteering outside of the home for the benefit of the girls and with that volunteering she saw how organized I could be. So, that helped her have confidence that I could help her with the administrative part of the Tour de Cure. She also knew I’d help her get out there and ride so she was ready for 35 miles. And what she witnessed inside the home was the daily intensive help with her sisters, how they had to make sure they were where they needed to be with their diabetes. And if they weren’t, I was there to make sure things got on track. That probably fostered two things: a desire to help others, and a desire to relieve everyone of the big D [diabetes] burden. And the only way to really relieve it is to find a cure.

Kelly M:

Proud that I taught them to use their powers/gifts for good! We all have gifts and we all have challenges and if they had all the gifts, then that would be unfair! So use the gifts that God gave you to do the most good and to be of service to others.

Proud that I taught them to be respectful to everyone. Manners and speaking well and respectfully are the easiest things you can do to interact well with others. Respect is a non-negotiable!

Proud that I taught them to have fun, be joyful. Dance, sing, laugh.

Lucille P:

I have twin girls 62 years old. One of the conversations they have frequently with me is the fact—they say—that they credit me for their organizational abilities and having good administrative skills working in an office.

I put them to work at an early age. They were 10 years old when I was working as a clerical worker at a mailing house and I took the work home where I placed labels on envelopes and stuffed them with flyers before bringing them back to be mailed out at the company’s offices. I made them take typing in high school so they could always make a living if they couldn’t find work in their chosen field. They both earned their spending money at university typing term papers for other students.

Today they are both artists—one has her own jewelry business; the other a well-respected sculptor. I am very proud of their ability to organize and make a living in the art world.

Liz B:

One thing I’m proud of is that from a young age I encouraged my children to step outside their comfort zones, even if it was very slight. I nudged them to “fly the coop” for college and experience a different part of the country—even though I definitely cried after dropping my oldest off following a 16-hour drive (she, of course, was completely fine).

The gift back to me has been their independence, their curiosity, and the incredible people and experiences they’ve embraced along the way. I also love that they’ve carried forward the idea of giving experiences as gifts.

And now, as my mom gets older, it means so much to see the strong bond they have with her—and that they prioritize time with her, even from afar. FAMILY FIRST

Mary Anne V:

I’m glad I passed on my passion for my college and my sports teams.

I’m glad we have encouraged each kid to follow their dream even when it wasn’t what we would have chosen for them ourselves.

Carole T:

The thing that comes to mind for me is that I’m proud that I let my kids have as much individual freedom as I did. By that, I mean that my girls had autonomy (and also responsibility) in how and where they spent free time and how they got around. My girls developed relationships in our neighborhood and community independent of our involvement and developed resourcefulness in how they got places. The independence was age-appropriate, of course, and we live in a pedestrian, bike friendly and mass transit-connected community. I’m proud of holding back on the temptation to hover as much as I was inclined to do and love how I saw their confidence and relationship skills grow!

Ashley L:

[Proud that I] truly listened to the kids and had patience and understanding without judgement when they were struggling in life.

Debbie H:

One moment of motherhood I’m especially proud of happened late one night when our daughter, overwhelmed with school and sports, asked us at 11:30 PM to sign off on a safety assignment for school she hadn’t actually completed—learning how to change a tire. It would have been easy to just sign and let it go, but instead, her dad and I took her out to the garage at midnight and had her learn it properly. She was furious in the moment, exhausted and frustrated, but we stood firm. Looking back, I’m proud not because she learned how to change a tire, but because we reinforced something more important: that honesty and integrity matter, even when it’s inconvenient, even when no one is watching, and even when it’s hard.

Kay:

I have two sons (now in their mid-thirties). I am glad that when they expressed their passions to me, I listened and respected their passions even if they were not convenient for me. For example, when my sons were young teenagers, they loved rock music, including heavy metal. Between them they played piano, guitar and drums. They really wanted to go to live concerts. There was no way I would allow them to go to such concerts on their own. For several years, until I felt they were mature enough to go without me, I took them to rock concerts to hear such bands as Killswitch Engage, Slayer, Darkest Hour, Three Inches of Blood, Iron Maiden, etc. I did not care for the music AT ALL, but my sons were very grateful to be able to attend the concerts, and we certainly bonded over them. I also believe I taught them how to be safe at such concerts. Today my sons regularly thank me for how attentive I have been to their interests, including the ones I don’t share.

Ceci G:

It’s hard to say because truly one’s adult children come into their own with the influence of a myriad of people and experiences—not just Mom—but one thing I think is fun is pizza . I learned to make pizza from my mother-in-law, and I’m happy to report that my three kids can all make pizza from scratch. I made sure that they all left home with the right pan for making Grandma Greco’s pizza—

Joanne V:

Our faith in God has sustained us through the years. As I sat through my granddaughter’s baptism and my other granddaughter’s First Communion, I was so happy to see that faith passed down to our girls and now to their children. It’s as important to them as it is to us and I’m proud that they are raising their kids with the same importance of faith in their lives.

Karen G:

One of parenting’s biggest challenges is the balance of encouraging your child to always do their best work, while accepting them for their particular strengths and weaknesses. One of my proud moments as a mother came when my daughter was struggling with a math class in high school. She had stayed after school for extra help, spoke with her teacher, even asked for additional tutoring. It just wasn’t making sense, and as a good student, she was very frustrated with the situation. She and I were talking in the car one day, and I told her that I knew that she was working hard, and all that we asked was that she tried her best. She didn’t need to be perfect. It was not a big deal, but when she came to me years later and told me how much it meant to her to be accepted, I had a moment where I felt that maybe I had been a good mom, at least occasionally!

Wizzie M:

I felt the years were very precious but cannot describe anything specific. We liked to hike and go on bike rides. When kids were very little during Christmas time in the evening I would bundle them up in their jammies, put them in the stroller (and the baby in the baby Bjorn) and take them out for a night walk to see all the houses decorated with lights. I am just proud of doing something fun outside in a different time of day and different season than would be the normal for a walk. I have no idea of the effect other than they enjoyed it and the lights were magical to them. But maybe things like this can encourage creative thinking and belief in possibilities.

Sharon F:

When the kids were middling ages — maybe ranging from ages 6-14 — there was a lot of button-pushing and belittling of each other. Normal kid stuff, but I felt like they already got so much of that in the outside world. I wanted them to be more encouraging of each other at home.

It was Christmas season so our stockings were hung for decor. I cut up slips of construction paper and left them in a bowl with pens nearby. We encouraged all six of us to write notes and leave small treats for each other in the stockings. Then we initiated a weekly affirmation time on Sundays when we would read our notes aloud. While engagement was never perfect, I feel like it helped them to see others’ gifts more positively. And I think it enables them to comfortably be able to say kind things to this day.

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In my enthusiasm for this project I accidentally included two mothers of middle-school aged children. But I’m glad I did because I love their answers.

Beth K:

Having a 12-year-old I feel like all I spend most of my energy saying clean your room and bathroom. However I asked my daughter, and she said you always tell me to enjoy just being a kid and there will always be people who have more than me and always those with less.

The other thing we incorporate in our daily routine is something my dad used to do: it’s saying your “good mornings.” This is when you say good morning and try touching your toes then stand back up straight. You do this at least one time and hopefully more depending how quickly you’re trying to get out the door.

Katie E:

Trained for and ran my first full marathon (now 3). . . sometimes just showing up and toeing the start line feels like a win. I think it shows my daughters that hard things can be done if you work for it even if it doesn’t always look pretty!

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Addendum

When assembling this list, I couldn’t help but think about people who didn’t have a mother growing up or who had an especially difficult or harmful mother—how weird it might be for them to read about wonderful mothers who tried to do their best and loved their children so deeply. So I have a message for those people. It’s schmaltzy, forgive me. I just feel this.

For those who didn’t have the mother they wished for or who had no mother at all. . . know that all these mothers you’ve just met and learned something about. . . if they had the chance to know you. . . would take you into their hearts gladly. . . would treasure the chance to hold just such a one as you in their arms. . . and exclaim over the wonder of you. . . and tell you there is motherly love in the world for you, it will find you. . . and the love in your own heart is inexhaustible and yours to share with the world.

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