Issue #23

Mamma Told Me

All our mothers gave us life and for that we thank them on Mother’s Day. Some mothers also gave advice and for that we may or may not thank them, depending on the frequency and wisdom of their advice-giving.

My own mother taught me how to iron a shirt (collar first, going from each end to the middle of the collar, then the yoke, cuffs, sleeves, and lastly front and back), but other than that she only gave me one piece of advice. Over the years I’ve wondered why she gave this advice to me in particular and not to my sisters. Probably she remembered an epic and long-lasting fight I had with my best friend Peaches (I would scream if my sisters said her name) and decided that such a temper and stubborn streak were obstacles to a happy marriage.

I had just gotten engaged, and as I was walking out the front door, she stopped me. “Maggie,” she said, “if you’re ever so mad at the other person and you just can’t believe how wrong they are, think about something you’ve done that’s wrong and then apologize for that.”

Her words are a family heirloom I’ve passed down to my own children. In fact, one of my daughters just put her grandmother’s advice into practice and found it to be the miracle-worker I touted it to be.

And so . . . to celebrate Mother’s Day on Restless Egg, I decided to poll a few friends and family (in-laws only) about advice they got from their moms. Everyone I polled is middle-aged or older, and only four still have living mothers. The advice is of its time, advice from mothers raising young children in the sixties and seventies. Some of it is outdated (always have a dime for a payphone and read the encyclopedia) but most of it is still relevant.

A response I got over and over is My mom never gave advice. That alone is inspirational. Words are one of the least effective ways to teach someone a life lesson. What people told me is that their mothers taught mostly by example. When they did use words, they chose them wisely.

The other common response was that the best advice was really just mothers providing perspective. As one of my high school friends put it: “They were all tough as nails. . . showing grace under pressure every day of their lives!” Isn’t that the greatest advice? To say to children of every age: This moment is but a small moment. Carry on, carry on. You can get through this.

So here's a sampling of advice from some truly great mothers. I knew many of them. You’ll have to take my word for it that they embodied the advice they gave. (Two of the respondents lost their mothers in the last two months. My heart goes out to them on their first Mother’s Day without them.)

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From Casey B. [who grew up in a big Catholic family]

• I remember her saying, “Blessed are the peacemakers” a lot.

• When we were upset about something or didn’t know what to do, she would tell us to just say our prayers and get a good night’s sleep, and things would be clearer in the morning

• As we were heading out at night as teenagers, she would say, “Remember who you are and what you represent.”

From Michele D. [who also grew up in a big Catholic family]

My mother took a nap (or a ‘lie down’ as she said in her Australia days) every single day after lunch. (She did this even as a mother of young children—we napped until we went to school. For me that was 1st grade. I was 6!) Closed the door, curtains drawn. She read and dozed. Maybe an hour. She’d comb her hair, put on some lipstick and come down and do the afternoon. She commented often on the rhythms of things, the church liturgical calendar, days of the week with its different chores, breakfast lunch, dinner. Centering down, not getting ahead of yourself was of high value to her.

From Richard L.

My mom was a person of few words. When we needed it—whether we got in trouble or felt bad—she would give us a hug and a warm smile. That came back around later in my life when I was a lot older and talked to her about visiting friends who were very sick. I said I was hesitant to go visit because I didn’t know what to say. She said, “You don’t need to say anything, you just need to be there.” I have taken that advice to heart on several occasions.

From Nancy W.

She gave me no advice at all! Just let me be a free spirit! (and taught me how to knit)

From Kara P.

I remember my mom saying that she wakes up every morning happy. It’s a choice. Even in bad times there is always something to be grateful for. I do daily affirmations now and it’s kind of along the same lines. Starts the day with positive energy.

From Sarah C.

• “Only ever give brain space to problems that are within you control” and I’d like to add, “But always remember to pray for those that are outside of our influence.”

• “No matter how much money you have ONLY purchase a car that you can get in and out of with grace!”

From Kevin V.

Most of her advice is not fit to print but her big one was always, “You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes in your first meeting”

From Trish R.

My mom, God bless her, had lots of sayings that roll through my head like stock market ticker tape at appropriate moments. Now as I approach year eighty-two (No! No! There must be some mistake!), I think back to how, as another birthday loomed on the horizon, I’d often find myself moaning to her, “Ma, I’m getting so OLD! I’m gonna be an OLD LADY soon this way!”

Of course, I was right: I was headed to Oldladydom, just not, well, anytime soon.

Mom's response was always the same: “Hon, you’ll never be as young as you are right this moment.”

This did the trick, offered a perspective shake-up that snapped me back to here, to now, to the reality that was being eleven, or fifteen, or thirty-two, or fifty. . .

Sometimes my reaction would be, nonsensically, to suck in my breath, hold it as long as I could, try to stop that precious moment before I breathed it away.

I still call on mom’s words, and sometimes, yeah, find myself holding my breath.

From Maureen H.

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.” Another simple gem: “Take care of each other.”

Lynn R.

My mom always talked about “basics.” When we were making big life decisions or struggling, she said, go back to “the basics” of who we are and how we were raised. We were raised to treat others as we wanted to be treated, to always try and take the high road, to be the bigger person, to give everything we could and then a little more, to be kind, compassionate and loyal to others but to remain true to ourselves.

Also, we were not allowed to quit anything we started. I signed up for ballet in first grade and hated it. I usually had a stomachache on ballet days but damned if she didn’t make me go anyway.

From Joan D.

This is very odd but I’m having a hard time coming up with advice my mother gave me other than, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

From Tanya W.

I’m not sure if this was advice or something I overheard as she was trying to justify her own staccato walking pace in heels but the first advice that comes to mind is “don’t walk too slow or everyone will think you’re a prostitute.” That along with the well-known warning to always wear nice underwear “in case you’re hit by a car & have to go to the hospital” could almost to a seem like mixed messages to a 12-yr-old but I just filed them all away—

From John S.

My mother was really good at reminding her kids of pretty simple things that we would often overlook in times of adversity. She would remind us that if we tried our best and the outcome wasn’t we hoped for, we could hold our heads high. She also told us never to worry about things we couldn’t control, which occasionally helped us deal with seemingly impossible problems. She was also a great listener—patient and calm—and that often served as “advice.” We siblings occasionally had problems with the law and her solution there was always to go to church!

From Renee R.

My mom’s advice was “Never cut the grass. It will be your job forever.” I have stuck by that! But seriously, I think it’s more her actions that I have tried to emulate. She is patient and is a great grandmother. She would always great down on the ground and play with her grandchildren, and as they got older they had a running game of Scrabble. My kids loved going over to her house.

From John R. (Renee’s husband)

My mother’s advice was “Never let your wife cut the lawn. It will not be done correctly.”

From Susan F.

My mom led by example rather than giving advice. What I learned from her is—be kind, be compassionate, be humble, put others first—but don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve what you want to achieve—"I believe in you and trust you, and you need to believe in yourself.”

From Ann M.

When we had something challenging or frustrating and probably wanted to give up, she’d say, “If there’s a will there’s a way.”

Susan F. (above) had this to add about Ann’s mom:

I think of Cele Ernst a lot and her wonderful soul and all she means to me. I spent a lot of time at the Ernst house, and the morning started with hot chocolate and buttered toast and kuchen around the kitchen table. What a way to start a day with smiles all around, feeling warm and loved and happy.

From John M.

Dance or go to bed.

From Michelle V.

My mom was a very simple happy person who did not spend a lot of time giving advice. 🙂

I think the best lesson I learned from her was to be grateful for all my blessings. She also loved to bake cookies for people, which I now find myself doing whenever family or friends are around!

From Debbie H. (whose mother lived to be 99)

Here’s a list she dictated (on her 95^th birthday) for a long and happy life:

• Moderation with alcohol, do not smoke, eat little, focus on good food that does not upset your digestion, and get enough rest/sleep

• Pay attention to your appearance, including weight, clothes and hair. Look your best, wear a dress

• Keep your mind active and engaged, read and study, listen to the news and keep up on issues, and learn something new every day (Read the encyclopedia)

• Have a loving and supportive family

• Keep a positive attitude and don’t let the bullies run over you or get you down

• Exercise regularly

• Play a musical instrument

• Have a good sense of humor and laugh every day, especially at yourself

• Avoid conflict and keep the peace, especially avoid discussions on politics and religion

• Vinegar cures many ills. Salt and ice are helpful too

• Keep a pet, especially the right kind (including beagles and poodles)

• Maintain your faith and take comfort in the Lord’s Prayer and the Psalms

• Life’s experiences help us to grow, so don’t make mountains out of mole hills

• Count your blessings and sympathize with those that have ailments that prevent perfect health or challenges that seem overwhelming

• Tolerate others’ mistakes since you have made many in your life

• Don’t be jealous and envious of what others have

• Appreciate and acknowledge others’ accomplishments

• No medications, no needles, and doctors only sparingly, and you don’t always have to do what they say

• Timing is important, don’t act like a 2 year-old when you are 28, and don’t think you can do things a 16 year-old can when you’re 95

• Be frugal with money as you will need it if you live a long life

From Anne O.

Our moms [hers and her husband’s] must not have been full of wisdom—neither have any advice we remember. We learned everything just our own 😂 I only remember my mom telling me to pick up my clothes and take care of them or I wouldn’t be getting any new clothes.

From Mary Margaret H.

• Always carry a dime to use the phone

• You don’t have to share your deepest secrets with anyone if you don’t want to

• When I was single and working in the Louisiana legislature [she told me], If he makes an inappropriate comment to you or is flirtatious, just turn around and give a smile and walk away.

From Bob C.

What I learned from my mother is to never judge anyone. Even in private she didn’t judge other people. And because of that she never alienated anyone.

From Mary B.

• You gotta take the good with the bad in life

• Treat everyone nicely, and a smile goes a long way

From Steve B.

When we complained about her volunteering us to do something for our elderly neighbors, she said, “You always watch for and take care of your neighbors.” Fortunately, the neighbors she has now got the same training. They shovel her snow, rake leaves and watch out for her.

From Megan P.

• My mom always said if you’re invited to a party and there’s parsley you must do a handwritten thank you note

• Also on that theme, she had so many rules about wedding thank you notes. She used to say you can’t consummate the marriage until the thank you notes are done.

• Never never never put on lipstick at a table

• She said that your faith should always be bigger and more personal than the priest on the altar. There would be good ones. There would be bad ones.

• And the one she really lived by was advice about raising kids—in fact the plaque hung in her kitchen. There are only two lasting things you can give your children: one is roots and the other is wings.

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Thanks to everyone for sharing these gems! If you have some good advice from your mom, please share in the comment section!

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Are you my mother? I wish I were

I was born wildly fortunate in that I had a wonderful mother. Everything comes from that. But on Mother’s Day I think about those who were not so lucky—those who did not have a mother at all, or who grew up with a neglectful mother, a damaged mother, an unkind mother, an unreliable mother. For anyone who had a mother who could not love them as they should have been loved, I dream of a remedy—some kind of community mother bank open to all the mother-hungry. As people enter the bank, a matronly woman with a comforting big bosom and nice powdery smell would open her arms and pull them in tight, kiss the tops of their heads and tell them over and over that they are precious. Until such time as this bank exists, I’m sending a placeholder: There is much motherly love in the world, may it find its way to you.